One Direction and the call.

 http://z100.com/l/hlm  
^^^^ Click me please, lovelies! ^^^^

 picture via pinterest

Most of you have read on my Facebook that I had two missed calls which caused a TON of anxiety. 

Well here is my story...

Nine days ago I entered a contest on the Ellen Degeneres website titled "Take Me to 1D!"  It was a contest where you entered all your information, and a letter of 1,500 characters telling Ellen why you deserved to win. It was a trip from December 2nd - December 5th for three people, with airfare and hotels paid for...you also got to hang out with the lovely and adorable British boy band, One Direction.

Now, lets back up a few months. This past July, my wonderful sister Candace told me about One Direction, and sent me the link to their song What Makes You Beautiful.  I replied to her "eh, they're okay...the blonde is a little cute..." Really? Looking back now I cannot believe those words came out of my mouth. I now absolutely adore their music and even more their personalities shown on YouTube videos that Candace and I send back and forth daily.

My letter to Ellen went just like this...

"Dear Ellen,

I realize there are millions of young and maybe even old women trying to enter and win this. You may have read sob stories, you may have read jokes, and you may have read begs and pleads for you to choose each individual. I do not have a sob story, I will not beg to win, however, I am ridiculously funny...but I'm fresh out of jokes today;) Last summer, my sister Candace sent me a link to the "What Makes You Beautiful" video by the wonderful One Direction. I, however, wasn't interested. I replied "eh, they're okay, and only kind of cute..." After a few months, I had a huge change of heart. The boys of 1D snuck their sneaky ways into my heart, and I fell for their music hard. I absolutely love them. I would love to meet them. I realize my chances are EXTREMELY low, however, I'm entering because I still believe I COULD have a chance! One Directions music has filled me, and my house with joy. I mean, even my dad comes home singing "Tonight let's get some, and live while we're younggggg!" I believe I deserve to win, because I am a fun, loud, huge fan of One Direction. I also promise that if I do win, I will not scream or cry while I meet them! My dreams would come true if I could meet these wonderful boys. I also would be able to cross off an item off my bucket list! I feel like I'm rambling now, and I have said what I need to say!

In the words of the Hunger Games, may the odds be ever in my favor!

xoxo Ellen!"

 I clicked send, knowing that I had absolutely no chance of winning at ALL. I always think of contests like this like a shark attack. When you plunge into the salty brine also known as the Ocean, you know that you COULD be bit by a shark, but annually around the world, only FIVE people die because of a shark attack. Yes, I COULD win...but me being one girl out of millions, I knew I had no hope. 

Well, on Monday night, November 26th...I was in my Biology lab at Gavilan Community College. It is a terrible night class from 5:30-7:00 P.M. I, being a stickler for rules, turned my phone on vibrate and shoved it in my book bag. When I got out of my lab, I checked my phone to see that I had a missed call from a number with an (818) area code. I had missed the call by FOUR MINUTES. My heart started racing because I KNEW it was an L.A. area code. I called it back and got a voice recording that said "You have reached a non working number for Warner Brothers Studios." My mind went ballistic. What if I won? Ellen is apart of Warner Brothers Studio! 

I called my sister Candace, and we freaked out together exchanging "What if we won?" and "Will they call back?!"  However, I am 100% an optimist, and Candace is 100% a pessimist. We are polar opposites. She immediately planted the seed, "What if you had one chance to pick up and you missed it and they move on to someone else?" I decided to take the optimistic way of thinking and told her to "be quiet, you're going to make me really sad! I know they'll call me back!" 

I raced home and checked my home phone. Sure enough, the exact same number had called my house phone one minute prior to calling my cell phone.  Just to be sure, I googled the number and everything that came up stated "This is the number Ellen uses to call you and tell you that you won tickets to her show!"

Then the real freak out began. I could not believe that number one, I might have won, and number two...I MISSED THE CALLS. I have never been so heart sick, excited, or anxious in my entire life. I realized how lame that sounds, but oh well...I didn't eat dinner, and didn't fall asleep until after 4:30 in the morning, telling myself over and over again that "they'll call back tomorrow!" Well, Tuesday rolled around, and by the afternoon no one had called. I googled and googled numbers until I found one for the Warner Brothers Studio. I called and told the super sweet lady about my situation. She transferred me over to another super sweet lady who answered with "Hello, Ellen Degeneres studio, how can I help you?" I explained my situation and she said that all she knew was "If you win, you win, and if that specific department wants to get a hold of you, they will hun." I thanked her, and waited. I waited and waited...and waited. I slept with my house phone and cell phone on my pillow, took them to the bathroom with me, set them outside the shower, and told everyone in my house that "They BETTER answer the phone no matter what!" 

Well...Wednesday rolled around and the contest closed. I was still hopeful thinking they would maybe contact me today. They didn't, and another girl won the contest. I missed my chance to win, by four minutes. Four minutes. I had so much hope, and so much optimism about this contest. I could taste my dreams they were so close. However, they now belong to someone else. Going back to the Shark attack, it was like I was in the water, and a huge grey dorsal fin was coming towards me...I was about to be bitten, but it turned away and went after something else. I saw it. I saw the "shark", but it didn't bite me. 

I was super sad about it at first...and still am sad...but I know that God's will is going to be done no matter how bad I want something. He knows what's best for me, and I trust Him with all my heart. My mom said yesterday that maybe I would get this excited to teach me to anticipate Him coming for me, like I was anticipating this win. Of course, being a mom, she was right. I do need to anticipate Christ coming back for me, and be so anxious and excited for that just like I have been for this "almost" One Direction win.

 

Because I have lost this contest, I have decided to enter another one (with absolutely no hope or excitement this time!)  I randomly found it while searching for next year's tickets for my sister and I. 

What it is, is a link that my mom filled out for me, and what makes you a winner is clicking the link and getting the most page views. Simple. I KNOW this time I'm not going to win, but I've decided to just go for it. I am a huge dreamer, and I will not change that. So. With all this being said...would you mind clicking the link below for me? And maybe even sharing it for others to click? I'd absolutely love a win, after a super discouraging loss. Thank you! 

http://z100.com/l/hlm

^^^ LINK TO CLICK TO HELP ME WIN ^^^

xoxo.

Day 19. How deep the Father's love for us!

 Today I'm thankful for the truths of this song, and how beautiful the words really are, and the meaning they have for my heart.

How deep the Father's love for us,
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure

How great the pain of searing loss,
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the chosen One,
Bring many sons to glory

Behold the Man upon a cross,
My sin upon His shoulders
Ashamed I hear my mocking voice,
Call out among the scoffers

It was my sin that held Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished

I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection

Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom

 

To make a wretch his treasure. I am 100% a wretch. I am a sinner. I am gross. I have a hard heart. I am perfectly imperfect, and completely flawed. However, I am a treasure in the eyes of Jesus Christ! There is nothing better than that! 

Day 10.

Today I'm thankful for a weirdy sister who was up late with me last night doing homework across the table, listening to my music, and encouraging me too keep working when I didn't want to. Because of it, I had a Saturday free of homework. I'm also thankful for an Aunt and Uncle who like to play games as much as we do, and who came all the way from Marina to play some aggravation. It's the little things.

Day 9.

Yesterday I was thankful that one day I get to be a mom. Today I'm thankful that one day I get to be a wife.

I'd like to be the kind of wife who creates a peaceful home. Whatever that may look like...if he needs a clean house, I'll keep it clean (okay lets be honest, with this neat freak it's going to be clean anyways), if he needs it to be quiet, I will tone down the volume of my ever so loud voice and keep quiet, if he really...really...really wants the laundry done all the time, I'll put aside my absolute hate for doing laundry and get it done. If it's little things like keeping things organized and put away, I'll make sure that's the case 100% of the time.

I'd like to be an agreeable wife! I am extremely stubborn and way too independent sometimes. I like to do things on my own, without being told how to do them. Seriously, if you give me tips on how to open a peanut butter jar, or how to do dishes, I'll argue back that my way is just as effective and really, did I even ask for your permission in the first place? Nope. See? It's a real problem. Proverbs 21:9 says "It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife." Say what? Don't you think that is a little too extreme? .... The more I think about it, the more I agree with it. If I was a man, I would so not want to live with an argumentative, quarrelsome wife. In fact, if someone was arguing with me over stupid things LIKE how to open a peanut butter jar, or how to do the dishes, I myself would like to go live on a tiny little roof corner...and for sure I do not want to be the kind of wife who causes my husband to want to live on a roof, rather than in our home.

I'd like to be a recreational wife. I am completely not the type of girl to sit on a couch and do nothing. I want to be out, I want to do, I want to try new and exciting things. I want to have crazy adventures.

I want to be an attractive wife. "Hello, yes obviously" you may say. I don't want to ever stop being attractive for my main man. I want to continue to be attractive for him even though I know I'll already have him.

I'd like to be an encouraging wife. One that builds up with my words, thoughts, and actions. I'd like to be an  encourager, an admirer, and appreciative and SHOW it all day, everyday. I'd like to be the kind of wife who my husband will feel safe with. Not the kind of safe where I'd beat somebody for him (although if he asked, I'd sure try), but the kind where he knows that he will have someone praying for him continually, on his side always, and will be there for him until my dying days.

I'd like to be a sweet, gentle, loving, captivating, and precious type of wife.

Honestly this list could go on for days...but for now, last and probably the most importantly, I want to be a submissive and respectful wife. This is probably going to be really hard. Not so much the respectful part, but the submissive part. I am almost way too independent...and submitting myself to someone else is going to be difficult, but I know with the right person it will be easy and worth it.
1 Corinthians 11:3 -  But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.
Ephesians 5:22-23, 33 - Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior...However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.
Colossians 3:18 - Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. '
1 Peter 3:1-2 - Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct. 

xx.

Day 8

I adore the rain. It's always been my favorite type of weather. The sky gets dark, the air gets cold, and the world turns a sparkly version of itself, that in my eyes is even more beautiful than it already is. Fire places get used, fuzzy socks get pulled out, scarves, boots, sweaters, and the heater is turned on...(finally!) When my siblings and I were younger, the rain was always a big deal. Especially to me. Because we were home schooled (yes, we're that kind of family) the rain meant that we would get to sleep in on these cuddly mornings just a little bit longer. It meant that we would probably get to do just a little less schoolwork and a lot more listening to my mom read out loud while we colored on the floor. It meant that we were probably going to get hot chocolate with mini marshmallows. If you had asked me on a rainy when I was five if I had a cool mom, I'd tell you in the five year old way saying "Yeah, she's a bad ass." On one of these awesome kiddie rainy days, I decided that I wanted to be just like my mom, even more some on a rainy day. I wanted to give my kids hot chocolate, watch movies, and make blanket forts with them too...

Now that I'm older, and think about having littles far too often...whenever it rains I think to myself maybe a little too proudly, "I'm gonna be a bad ass mom, just like mine, and I cannot wait for rainy days spent with my little babes!"

I will do just that.

I'm thankful for a bomb mom, and that i'll get to be one someday, too! 

Day 7

Today I'm thankful that God has given me a heart that is filled to the brim with the longing for adventure, and one day I'll be able to have those crazy adventures that my heart craves.

Day 5 and Day 6

Day 5 - Yesterday I was thankful that I didn't cry when I woke up. Ridiculous I know...but most Monday mornings I wake up and instantly get teary eyed knowing that I have a very long (10 hour), and very lonely school day ahead of me. However I decided that I didn't need to be sad, because Tuesday was just around the corner, and Monday doesn't last very long.

Day 6 - Today I'm thankful that I'm a woman! 

Day 4

Today I'm thankful for the fact that I have never been, and hopefully will never be a procrastinator...I'm really into just getting done what I need to get done, so I can do other things and not waste my precious time in life. I'm thankful that God has given me a self motivating and a hard working personality.
I'm also thankful for the fact that I only have FIVE, count them, five...weeks of school left! I. Cannot. Wait.

Emotional classes make me thankful.

Just when I think i've completely conquered the burden of a past easting disorder problem, it finds its way back. I try not to think about it too much, because I've been told not to. However, it is a huge part of my past, and sometimes thinking about it just happens. In fact, no matter how far back I put it in my brain, I know it will always come back. Though I've gotten over it, and am completely healthy now, it will always be a part of who I am, and what has helped make me who I am today and the person I will continue to grow to be.

At the beginning of each semester, teachers...well good teachers generally give out a calendar of how the next three to four months are going to go. They'll tell you what's required of your time and knowledge, and then they give you specific topics for the days you're going to be in class. I have an insanely good Biological Psychology teacher this semester, and he did just that. The first day of class back in August, he read that on October 30th and November 1st we were going to be talking about eating disorders. As soon as he said those two words, the guilty, emotional, scared, painful, gut wrenching feelings flooded my stomach, like a sudden and intense version of the butterflies, just like every other time I hear them or speak them.  I ignored them and pushed them out of my mind telling myself "there's plenty of time before then."  I even just thought about skipping those two specific days.  However, I let my "I want to be an excellent student, It's my only job for now..." mindset get the better of me...I swallowed my fear, and went to class anyways. It wasn't bad at first at all. He's funny and entertaining and I wasn't even emotional! Half way though his lecture, he gave the definition of Anorexia and grew more serious.

"Anorexia: An intense, almost phobic fear of becoming fat, a distorted body image, and a refusal to maintain a body weight at or above the minimum for one's age and height."

Intense. Phobic. Fear. Distorted. Image. Refusal.

If you were to ask me to describe my experience to you...I'd use those exact words.
Intense. Anorexia was insanely intense. It was intense on my body, my mind, and my life in general. It made me tired, grumpy, sick...in fact, it was so intense I still have effects from the harm that anorexia had on my body. My hair isn't as thick as it was, I'm always super cold, and I always have bruises on my body.

Phobic/Fear.A phobic fear of being fat. A phobic fear of being rejected because of how you look. A phobic fear of getting help or telling anyone about it. A phobic fear of getting too close to anyone because they will know. A phobic fear of being judged. A phobic fear of knowing that you have a real problem.

Distorted. Have you seen this commercial? Well, it's pretty dang, 100% accurate.

Image. All you think about is your "image". I cannot even tell you how many hours I wasted comparing myself to others, thinking about how I could make myself look better, how I could eat even less than I already was eating, and get even skinner.

Refusal. Refusal to admit you have a problem. Refusal to ask for help at your breaking point. Refusal to be honest with yourself and others. Refusal to GET help. Refusal to be honest and open when you're finally getting help. Refusal to let the Holy Spirit capture my heart and mind and keep it safe from situations like this again.

When he was done talking about Anorexia, my teacher ended with this statement. "The only thing i've ever found to be wrong with a woman, is the fact that she thinks there is something wrong with her."

Women are insecure. We are too worried about little, unimportant things. We worry about our "thunder thighs" or our "hippo hips"...what if we stopped? What if for just a little while every woman in the world woke up with an excepting attitude of themselves? Imagine how insanely good that would feel, and how good that would be for us and other people in our lives. I'm going to do just that. I'm going to be okay with myself from now on. I'm not going to compare myself to other women, because the fact is...there is always going to be someone better looking than you! And who REALLY cares? Not me anymore. Instead, I'm taking all that energy and focusing on making my heart beautiful.

Today I am thankful for the fact that God's truth is literally everywhere...even in a Psychology class.

1 Peter 3:3-4
 Don't be concerned about the outward beauty of fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes.You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God.

Day 2

Today I'm thankful for a morning and afternoon alone in the house! I'm pretty much 50/50 introvert and extrovert. During the week, with school, I'm pretty much forced to be an extrovert. I have to like being there and being around people, so on the weekends I get to recover a little bit. However, everyone is home on Fridays. My mom and sister(S) have always cleaned our house on Friday...But today errands are keeping them from being home. I am so thankful for this quiet time home alone with my coffee and CMA's and no one talking to me kind of morning. I think sometimes they get the Friday morning "I don't want to see anyone or talk to anyone, I need to be an introvert right now" kind of grump. Not today!

November challenge.

I'm on board...

Today I am thankful for rain, socks, and hot hot hot tea!