Praise the Lord; praise God our savior! For each day he carries us in his arms.
Psalm 68:19.
Remember when you were little and would pretend to be asleep in the car when you got home, just to be carried inside and put in bed? Not having to get out of your tic-tac decorated "big girl" seat, not having to walk, not having to put on your jammies and brush your teeth, but to just get carried inside...have your shoes taken off for you and be tucked in?
I do.
I didn't do it because I was lazy
. Does a five year old really know what lazy even is? I didn't do it because it was fun to play "possum"...I did it because there was something about having my mom or dad, quietly (I'm pretty sure they knew I was awake every time) pick me up, and tuck me into their chest nice and tight. Strong arms holding me close, protecting me from my very innocent-nothing-ever-goes-wrong-world.
I'm not five anymore, I can't pretend to be asleep in the car anymore, I can't be held like a child physically, and my world is for sure no longer the same.
Lately I've felt like I haven't been held spiritually, emotionally, physically, or mentally in a long while. Sometimes loneliness creeps into my heart. I'm pretty good at putting on a nice facade and a big smile, pretending I'm 100% more than okay. I'm not good at, and not even comfortable with showing emotions or opening up to anyone without them verbally crow-barring their way into my heart.
With this random loneliness that comes and goes, other emotions seem to pile up and make days drag on and on, and my feet drag forward instead of willingly moving.
However, I
never have to question why I'm lonely. Why I'm emotional. Why I'm at my breaking point. Why I am a bummer to myself. I know exactly why. Sin. Discontentment. Not reading my Bible every day. Not being willing to Listen to what God is whispering to my heart. Not praying continually, all day, everyday. Forgetting to be thankful. Forgetting who I am as a young woman of God.
I know these things, but I can be stubborn and think that "I've got it", without the Lord's help...and every time I'm wrong. And every time I'm wrong, it's like a slap in the face.
This past week and weekend, I've been at my "every once in a while" breaking point. I had the "I've got it" mindset, and got my annual slap in the face.
Today I decided "I
don't got it..." and picked up my Bible, thirsty for the word of God. Thirsty for reassurance in myself and in my faith. I knew exactly where I wanted to read, but my hands flipped elsewhere landing on Psalm 68. I read it with tears of joy, and also regret in my eyes for the fact that it was exactly what I needed and I should have turned to His word a lot sooner in the week. The words "For each day he carries us in his arms" stuck out to me on the page like they were in bold just for my eyes. Instantly, my heart was overwhelmed. I may not be a five year old who gets carried in from the car anymore, but I am an adult who is carried in the arms of Christ
every single day of my life, and for that I am more blessed than I can even imagine. For that, my heart needs to be overwhelmed countless times each day. It needs to stay in the soft state where it can be overwhelmed and captivated by my creator, and I'm working on that specifically.
xo.
