Emotional classes make me thankful.

Just when I think i've completely conquered the burden of a past easting disorder problem, it finds its way back. I try not to think about it too much, because I've been told not to. However, it is a huge part of my past, and sometimes thinking about it just happens. In fact, no matter how far back I put it in my brain, I know it will always come back. Though I've gotten over it, and am completely healthy now, it will always be a part of who I am, and what has helped make me who I am today and the person I will continue to grow to be.

At the beginning of each semester, teachers...well good teachers generally give out a calendar of how the next three to four months are going to go. They'll tell you what's required of your time and knowledge, and then they give you specific topics for the days you're going to be in class. I have an insanely good Biological Psychology teacher this semester, and he did just that. The first day of class back in August, he read that on October 30th and November 1st we were going to be talking about eating disorders. As soon as he said those two words, the guilty, emotional, scared, painful, gut wrenching feelings flooded my stomach, like a sudden and intense version of the butterflies, just like every other time I hear them or speak them.  I ignored them and pushed them out of my mind telling myself "there's plenty of time before then."  I even just thought about skipping those two specific days.  However, I let my "I want to be an excellent student, It's my only job for now..." mindset get the better of me...I swallowed my fear, and went to class anyways. It wasn't bad at first at all. He's funny and entertaining and I wasn't even emotional! Half way though his lecture, he gave the definition of Anorexia and grew more serious.

"Anorexia: An intense, almost phobic fear of becoming fat, a distorted body image, and a refusal to maintain a body weight at or above the minimum for one's age and height."

Intense. Phobic. Fear. Distorted. Image. Refusal.

If you were to ask me to describe my experience to you...I'd use those exact words.
Intense. Anorexia was insanely intense. It was intense on my body, my mind, and my life in general. It made me tired, grumpy, sick...in fact, it was so intense I still have effects from the harm that anorexia had on my body. My hair isn't as thick as it was, I'm always super cold, and I always have bruises on my body.

Phobic/Fear.A phobic fear of being fat. A phobic fear of being rejected because of how you look. A phobic fear of getting help or telling anyone about it. A phobic fear of getting too close to anyone because they will know. A phobic fear of being judged. A phobic fear of knowing that you have a real problem.

Distorted. Have you seen this commercial? Well, it's pretty dang, 100% accurate.

Image. All you think about is your "image". I cannot even tell you how many hours I wasted comparing myself to others, thinking about how I could make myself look better, how I could eat even less than I already was eating, and get even skinner.

Refusal. Refusal to admit you have a problem. Refusal to ask for help at your breaking point. Refusal to be honest with yourself and others. Refusal to GET help. Refusal to be honest and open when you're finally getting help. Refusal to let the Holy Spirit capture my heart and mind and keep it safe from situations like this again.

When he was done talking about Anorexia, my teacher ended with this statement. "The only thing i've ever found to be wrong with a woman, is the fact that she thinks there is something wrong with her."

Women are insecure. We are too worried about little, unimportant things. We worry about our "thunder thighs" or our "hippo hips"...what if we stopped? What if for just a little while every woman in the world woke up with an excepting attitude of themselves? Imagine how insanely good that would feel, and how good that would be for us and other people in our lives. I'm going to do just that. I'm going to be okay with myself from now on. I'm not going to compare myself to other women, because the fact is...there is always going to be someone better looking than you! And who REALLY cares? Not me anymore. Instead, I'm taking all that energy and focusing on making my heart beautiful.

Today I am thankful for the fact that God's truth is literally everywhere...even in a Psychology class.

1 Peter 3:3-4
 Don't be concerned about the outward beauty of fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes.You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God.