Emotional classes make me thankful.

Just when I think i've completely conquered the burden of a past easting disorder problem, it finds its way back. I try not to think about it too much, because I've been told not to. However, it is a huge part of my past, and sometimes thinking about it just happens. In fact, no matter how far back I put it in my brain, I know it will always come back. Though I've gotten over it, and am completely healthy now, it will always be a part of who I am, and what has helped make me who I am today and the person I will continue to grow to be.

At the beginning of each semester, teachers...well good teachers generally give out a calendar of how the next three to four months are going to go. They'll tell you what's required of your time and knowledge, and then they give you specific topics for the days you're going to be in class. I have an insanely good Biological Psychology teacher this semester, and he did just that. The first day of class back in August, he read that on October 30th and November 1st we were going to be talking about eating disorders. As soon as he said those two words, the guilty, emotional, scared, painful, gut wrenching feelings flooded my stomach, like a sudden and intense version of the butterflies, just like every other time I hear them or speak them.  I ignored them and pushed them out of my mind telling myself "there's plenty of time before then."  I even just thought about skipping those two specific days.  However, I let my "I want to be an excellent student, It's my only job for now..." mindset get the better of me...I swallowed my fear, and went to class anyways. It wasn't bad at first at all. He's funny and entertaining and I wasn't even emotional! Half way though his lecture, he gave the definition of Anorexia and grew more serious.

"Anorexia: An intense, almost phobic fear of becoming fat, a distorted body image, and a refusal to maintain a body weight at or above the minimum for one's age and height."

Intense. Phobic. Fear. Distorted. Image. Refusal.

If you were to ask me to describe my experience to you...I'd use those exact words.
Intense. Anorexia was insanely intense. It was intense on my body, my mind, and my life in general. It made me tired, grumpy, sick...in fact, it was so intense I still have effects from the harm that anorexia had on my body. My hair isn't as thick as it was, I'm always super cold, and I always have bruises on my body.

Phobic/Fear.A phobic fear of being fat. A phobic fear of being rejected because of how you look. A phobic fear of getting help or telling anyone about it. A phobic fear of getting too close to anyone because they will know. A phobic fear of being judged. A phobic fear of knowing that you have a real problem.

Distorted. Have you seen this commercial? Well, it's pretty dang, 100% accurate.

Image. All you think about is your "image". I cannot even tell you how many hours I wasted comparing myself to others, thinking about how I could make myself look better, how I could eat even less than I already was eating, and get even skinner.

Refusal. Refusal to admit you have a problem. Refusal to ask for help at your breaking point. Refusal to be honest with yourself and others. Refusal to GET help. Refusal to be honest and open when you're finally getting help. Refusal to let the Holy Spirit capture my heart and mind and keep it safe from situations like this again.

When he was done talking about Anorexia, my teacher ended with this statement. "The only thing i've ever found to be wrong with a woman, is the fact that she thinks there is something wrong with her."

Women are insecure. We are too worried about little, unimportant things. We worry about our "thunder thighs" or our "hippo hips"...what if we stopped? What if for just a little while every woman in the world woke up with an excepting attitude of themselves? Imagine how insanely good that would feel, and how good that would be for us and other people in our lives. I'm going to do just that. I'm going to be okay with myself from now on. I'm not going to compare myself to other women, because the fact is...there is always going to be someone better looking than you! And who REALLY cares? Not me anymore. Instead, I'm taking all that energy and focusing on making my heart beautiful.

Today I am thankful for the fact that God's truth is literally everywhere...even in a Psychology class.

1 Peter 3:3-4
 Don't be concerned about the outward beauty of fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes.You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God.

Day 2

Today I'm thankful for a morning and afternoon alone in the house! I'm pretty much 50/50 introvert and extrovert. During the week, with school, I'm pretty much forced to be an extrovert. I have to like being there and being around people, so on the weekends I get to recover a little bit. However, everyone is home on Fridays. My mom and sister(S) have always cleaned our house on Friday...But today errands are keeping them from being home. I am so thankful for this quiet time home alone with my coffee and CMA's and no one talking to me kind of morning. I think sometimes they get the Friday morning "I don't want to see anyone or talk to anyone, I need to be an introvert right now" kind of grump. Not today!

November challenge.

I'm on board...

Today I am thankful for rain, socks, and hot hot hot tea! 

Just the little things that make me terribly happy.

What makes you terribly happy?

1. A good laugh with my grandma.
2. Tacos.
3. Celebrating birthdays.
4. Being afraid to stick my leg off the side of my bed, because it's for sure going to get eaten.
5. The sound of a perfect high five.
6. When Siren plays with my hair.
7. Seeing my favorite four little people.
8. Sister runs...NOT being left in the dust.
9. An insanely good stretch.
10. When a person genuinely asks how your day was.
11. Vanilla sleepy time tea.
12. Viva La Juicy.
13. Wishing on an eyelash.
14. Daily reminders that I have a beautiful life.
15. The feeling of my freshly clean shaved legs rubbing against my sheets.

Letters.

Dear disgusting bug,
You are more than 100% unwelcome. Please go away already!

Dear orange juice, tea, airborne, and more tea,
Please make me feel better.

Dear weekend and Monday,
You were insanely rough, but incredibly productive!!

Dear school,
You're half over!! Yes!!

 Dear PMS,
You are 100% un-enjoyable. In fact, you make life itself for almost two weeks miserable.

Dear weather,
Please knock it off. Stick to a season. Summer...you had your chance, now GO away.

Dear Candace,
Quit making pumpkin bread...thanks.

Dear pumpkin spice coffee creamer,
I get out of bed for you.

Dear Siren,
You're unbelievably adorable when you are hidden in the window by my blinds, but I can hear your making kitten noises and flicking your tail all around.
 

Matthew Wade Woodson Mann

Today is my baby brothers birthday.

I remember when he finally got to come home from the hospital (he had to stay there a month after he was born, because he was a preemie.)

I remember when I knocked his arm out of his socket when he was two.

I remember how when he was still in a car seat, he would bust up laughing when cars went by his open window.

 I remember being the only one who could make him belly laugh when was a baby. 

I remember he laughed at me when I broke my foot and I was mad...(I also remember him stubbing his toe so bad last night on my door frame, and I got to laugh at him..I guess we're even.) 

I love and know that he is selfish, sensitive, kind, smart, thoughtful, handsome, lazy, and a total manN. I also know that we butt heads a lot...I really just don't get the whole 15 year old boy things ;) but I know that I love him with all my heart and I wouldn't trade him for any brother in the world! 

You may not know.

That eating an apple or peanut butter toast can make me happy for hours.
That fall is my favorite season because I'm still excited about my summer, and stoked that winter is next.
That I could probably spend all day tucked in my covers snuggling my kitten...if she would let me.
That I've struggled all my life with excepting who I am and thinking I'm beautiful,  inside and out, and horrid blog comments don't help.
That I like Crocs...go ahead and judge me.
That the rain, thunder, and lightning puts me in the best mood I could possibly ever be in.
That I have major test anxiety and struggle with exams no matter how much I've studied...so when I get a good grade, it's a big deal.
That I have an irrational fear of explosives, and being rear ended.
That putting in the last piece of a puzzle is probably my favorite ever...
That when my bangs actually cooperate with me...I have a happy heart.

xxo.

Tuesday thoughts.

The potter and the clay.

I know this a whole lot cliche and this example may get used a lot...but I finally really understand it.

This semester I am taking a ceramics art history class to fulfill my art requirements.
It's three and a half hours long, goes right through lunch, and has dried out my hands to the point of cracking and bleeding. It's not very fun, and no one is remotely friendly at all...what I thought would be my most fun, and easiest class this semester, has turned out to be the longest, most boring, hungriest, frustrating class I've ever taken. For a few weeks, we've been doing a lot of wheel work, rather than pinch pots or coil pots, or any other project.

Trying to make something on the wheel is literally the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. First, you actually have to try and mesh your clay to the wheel plate. If not, then your clay goes flying off the second you start to spin it...(absolutely 100% embarrassing!) Then, you have to center your clay. What? Honestly, I don't think I've ever used my arm muscles this intensely before. It can take more then twenty minutes, bent over the wheel, elbows on your knees (kind of how batman rides his bat-motorcycle...in fact, maybe I pretend I'm batman on that motorcycle to make the time go a little faster), trying to get your clay in the right spot with no air bubbles, and mashing it down, and squeezing it back up again...it's not fun. Keeping it wet because it can't get too dry, molding it, creating "a foot"...it's all very specific and takes a whole lot of time and effort.

However, I finally literally understand the potter and the clay references when it comes to God and his children. God is at his wheel daily, and I, specifically my heart and spirit, are his uncooperative, stubborn, and annoying clay. Despite how stubborn I actually am, He likes to be the potter. He likes molding my heart to be like His! He is working on my heart every second of every day. Shaping me, and whispering subtle reminders  for me to be like Him, and not to trust anyone else with the shaping of my heart. I'm guessing it's a tough job, because sometimes I have a really tough heart. He probably doesn't find it easy to center it(maybe He pretends He's batman too), or to keep it soft enough to work with...but I try to do my best to work with Him, and let Him guide me to be who He has intended me to be all along. 

Isaiah 64:8 - But now, O LORD, you are our Father; we are the clay, and you are our potter; we are all the work of your hand..

Just the little things..

..that make me happy.

1. When someone does something for you, without being asked.
2. When a teacher lets you out of class 30 minutes early.
3. Bonding with someone you never expected to.
4. When your birthday month has the best picture on the calendar.
5. When you think no one sees your embarrassing moment! (As in, pulling your binder out of your bag and it flinging a tampon a few feet in front of you on the floor...yeah, that happened.)
6. Stretching after a hard workout.
7. Finally getting an eyelash out of your eye.
8. When someone asks if you made it home okay.
9. Friendly cashiers.
10. Bright red leaves.
11. A clean public bathroom.
12. A perfect signature.
13. Positive feedback on homework you worked really hard on.
14. When your favorite band comes out with a new song, and soon a new album.
15. People who love me despite my flaws.