My heart is overwhelmed - Psalm 68:19

Praise the Lord; praise God our savior! For each day he carries us in his arms. 

Psalm 68:19.

Remember when you were little and would pretend to be asleep in the car when you got home, just to be carried inside and put in bed? Not having to get out of your tic-tac decorated "big girl" seat, not having to walk, not having to put on your jammies and brush your teeth, but to just get carried inside...have your shoes taken off for you and be tucked in?
I do.
I didn't do it because I was lazy. Does a five year old really know what lazy even is? I didn't do it because it was fun to play "possum"...I did it because there was something about having my mom or dad, quietly (I'm pretty sure they knew I was awake every time) pick me up, and tuck me into their chest nice and tight. Strong arms holding me close, protecting me from my very innocent-nothing-ever-goes-wrong-world.
I'm not five anymore, I can't pretend to be asleep in the car anymore, I can't be held like a child physically, and my world is for sure no longer the same.
Lately I've felt like I haven't been held spiritually, emotionally, physically, or mentally in a long while. Sometimes loneliness creeps into my heart. I'm pretty good at putting on a nice facade and a big smile, pretending I'm 100% more than okay. I'm not good at, and not even comfortable with showing emotions or opening up to anyone without them verbally crow-barring their way into my heart.
With this random loneliness that comes and goes, other emotions seem to pile up and make days drag on and on, and my feet drag forward instead of willingly moving.
However, I never have to question why I'm lonely. Why I'm emotional. Why I'm at my breaking point. Why I am a bummer to myself. I know exactly why. Sin. Discontentment. Not reading my Bible every day. Not being willing to Listen to what God is whispering to my heart. Not praying continually, all day, everyday. Forgetting to be thankful. Forgetting who I am as a young woman of God.
I know these things, but I can be stubborn and think that "I've got it", without the Lord's help...and every time I'm wrong. And every time I'm wrong, it's like a slap in the face.
This past week and weekend, I've been at my "every once in a while" breaking point. I had the "I've got it" mindset, and got my annual slap in the face.
Today I decided "I don't got it..." and picked up my Bible, thirsty for the word of God. Thirsty for reassurance in myself and in my faith. I knew exactly where I wanted to read, but my hands flipped elsewhere landing on Psalm 68. I read it with tears of joy, and also regret in my eyes for the fact that it was exactly what I needed and I should have turned to His word a lot sooner in the week. The words "For each day he carries us in his arms" stuck out to me on the page like they were in bold just for my eyes. Instantly, my heart was overwhelmed. I may not be a five year old who gets carried in from the car anymore, but I am an adult who is carried in the arms of Christ every single day of my life, and for that I am more blessed than I can even imagine. For that, my heart needs to be overwhelmed countless times each day. It needs to stay in the soft state where it can be overwhelmed and captivated by my creator, and I'm working on that specifically.

xo.

Welcome back, friend.

Fall is 100% my absolute favorite season. 

You still have your tan, and all your summer memories, but are looking forward to Christmas and winter! 

It's the perfect in between! 

I am so excited for good apples, bonfires, boots, crisp weather, hot cocoa, pumpkin spice coffee creamer...pumpkin spice EVERYTHING, frost, rain, leaves, pumpkins, sweaters, blankets, football, boots, scarves, two pairs of socks, and beautiful colored leaves. 

I love when the world changes color. 

A friday happy list.

 15 things that make me terribly happy

1. Green peach tea.

2. The fact that Thursdays are my Fridays.

3. Getting things done.

4. The fact that fall and winter are right around the corner.

5. Sweaters and leggings.

6. Clean sheets.

7. Snuggling with siren.

8. Going on adventures.

9. When Candace comes home on the weekends.

10. Singing and playing the guitar.

11. Healthy hair.

12. Playing a new CD over and over...and over again.

13. Random thunderstorms.

14. Funny teachers.

15. Soft feet.

 

I've been gone, and that's okay.

A brilliant summer:

A beautiful sisters wedding.

Moves.

Adventures. 

Hellos.

Goodbyes.

Laughs.

Tears.

Sunshine.

Sleep.

No sleep.

Long trips.

Short trips.

Hello fall, I'm ready for you. Summer '12 was perfect. I'll get back into the swing of things soon, I hope.

xo.

A happy list.

15 things that make me terribly happy?

1. Being able to pull through a parking space instead of backing out.

2. Watching the cream mix in my coffee.

3. Rainy Salinas days.

4. When people wait until I unlock my front door to drive away.

5. Massive sales.

6. Finding a curly fry in my order of regular fries.

7.The "thank you" wave from other drivers.

8. Good story tellers.

9. Answered and even unanswered prayers.

10. The first sip of any diet coke.

11. Silence after turning off my alarm.

12. A hot shower after a long run.

13. The smooth surface of a new jar of peanut butter.

14. Hot tea.

15. When someone hugs you back even tighter.

 

A happy list.

15 things that make me terribly happy?

1. Letting my hair dry naturally into a white woman fro.
2. Good relationships.
3. Running until I literally cannot go any farther.
4. The fact that I inherit a brother in law so so soon! 
5. Bright red lips.
6. The fact that Christmas is five months away.
7. Answered prayers.
8. Diet coke.
9. White shorts.
10. Pickles.
11. Sweet conversations with three year olds.
12. Wearing two pairs of socks.
13. Indoor/outdoor slippers.
14. Full batteries.
15. Getting ready to go camping.

Husband letters.

Dear unknown and maybe unmet future husband,
with the sisters wedding literally right around the corner we have been insanely busy. With all this wedding stuff right in front of my face it's hard not to think of my own dreams and what I would want for my own day. When I think about marriage, I don't really think of the DAY that I get to marry you. It jumps to different things, like carrying out the Mann family every Saturday morning pancake breakfast tradition, having major life adventures with you, or how you're going to deal with someone who hates do to laundry more than olives...
Anyways, long story short?
When I was in 8th grade, my lovely mother told me that I should pray for you and my unborn kids every day. At first I had no idea why or what to even say, but now that I'm older I realize that she gave me some of the best advice a mom can give a daughter.
I pray for you every single day.

I pray that you will be a spirit controlled Christian. Ephesians 5:18.
I pray that Jesus is number one in your life, and not just an ornament. Mark 12:30.
I pray that you have a soft heart that relies on Christ alone. Philippians 4:13.
I pray that you are a man of vision, someone who cares for others relationships with Christ. Romans 10:14.
I pray that you are not overly, but sensitive and in tune to others needs. Galatians 6:2.
I pray that you understand the awesome responsibility of a husband to his wife. Ephesians 5:25-31.
I pray that you are humble enough to be a disciple but able to disciple others (hopefully high school students). Matthew 28:19-20.
I pray that you are a man of prayer and know it's the key to a successful relationship with Jesus. Colossians 4:2.
I pray that you are a family man who wants to raise kids to adore Christ. Proverbs 22:6.
I pray that you are patient and don't lash out not if, but WHEN I mess up. Colossians 4:6.
I pray that you are honest, all day, everyday. Proverbs 12:22.

I'm excited to pray these things and will continue to do so long after we have said "I do."

Psalm 34:5

I've always been insanely stubborn. I don't enjoy asking for help. When I do, I feel embarrassed or weak. I'd like to think of myself as strong and independent. Sometimes though, just like anyone else...I so desperately need help. 

"The lid on the jar is too tight."  "I can't figure out this guitar bar chord." "Matt, how in the world do I set up call of duty?" 

Admitting I need help and asking for it is just difficult.

However, admitting to my savior that I need help with every area of my life is even harder.

It absolutely should not be, but it is.

Bottom line, without His help shaping me, molding me, and turning me into the masterpiece He has created me to be...I would be an awful wreck. 

Psalm 34:5

Those who look to Him for help will be radiant with joy;

no shadow of shame will darken their faces. 

decisions.

Sometimes, I change my mind. A lot. "I want to be blonde, I want to have brown hair. I want to be a surfer, what in the world...this water is cold and I'm sure I'm about to be eaten by a shark. I really want six kids, just kidding, I only want three. I am going to be a skydive instructor, nah maybe that's pushing my luck. Maybe when I get married I'll wear a short dress, nah...long for sure." 

I could probably keep typing these lame situations forever...

I'm indecisive and most of the time that's okay, because of the fact that what I'm indecisive about really means nothing in the scheme of life. 

I have completely decided to be in love with Jesus Christ. To live my life like a Proverbs 31 woman does. To let go, and let God in every situation. To live out the fruits of the spirit every second of every day. To wake up every morning drenched in Christs mercy and have my first thoughts be on Him alone. To whisper "good morning, Lord." and continue our conversation all day. I have decided, and will not change my mind, because these decisions are big ones...life ones that actually mean something. That's all.

Proverbs 31:25 - She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future.

I will love again, and it will be magnificent.

Dear future lover,
I have a hard heart. It's been broken, torn, bruised, and has been made messy. It has loved, it has hated. Sometimes it feels lovely and sometimes it feels really gross. But most of the time...it's hard and bitter. Sometime I feel like it is completely pointless to try and make it anything other than that. But then I realize, you are the reason. I have loved and lost, and if I keep my heart hard...I will never be able to love others the way Jesus wants me to. That includes you, future husband. I hope that you will adore my heart all the time, no matter what shape it's in...and I hope that to you, my heart is forever keep-able.

Trying to live and love
With a heart that can't be broken
Is like trying to see the light with eyes that can't be opened.
 
I'll let you look inside me, through the stains and through the cracks
And in the darkness of this moment
You see the good and bad.
But try not to judge me, 'cause we've walked down different paths
 But it brought us here together, so I won't take that back.


Xo,
Wife.